I’m Not Who I Was

I caught up with an old friend this week. At one of those dozens of parties that happen in December that no matter how hard I try, I can’t say no to. Over the loud music and dancing, my friend and I leaned against kitchen counters and stumbled over conversation to catch up on each others’ lives.

My friend accurately noticed that my current life looks very different from how it looked several years ago. He easily reflected back to my life from four years ago when we first met, and noticed great growth and change. I’m glad for this. I’m encouraged to hear that I’ve grown and changed in positive ways over the years. I think it would be a really sad day if, five years from now, I ran into a friend from today who says, “yep, same old Kyla, nothing’s changed!”

At the same time, I do not live in shame for the person I was four years ago. Or last year. Or yesterday. During our conversation, I stopped my friend to point out, “yes, I’m healthier now and I’ve learned a lot, but I don’t regret who I was then. I like who I was then, too.”

He paused to consider this, and I watched thoughts spin through his eyes, but he offered no words. I still don’t know what he thought, but I do know that I am not going to live to regret my past. One minute from today, one day, one  year, ten years, my life could look drastically different from the way it does now. But I’m not going to regret or feel shame for ridiculous and immature things I did or said, because those are in the past. And I know that every moment, I’m living my life with as much grace and wisdom and joy that I can.

I’m running on less sleep with a packed December schedule, so if this makes no sense, maybe you can help me work it out in the comments. Thoughts?




  1. Holly Mommaerts

    Reminds me of the lyrics from the Brandon Heath song, "I'm Not Who I was". I can totally relate to this also. I love how God is continually changing me.

  2. Holly Mommaerts

    I thought about this after I hit submit, I used to regret my past & all the "stupid" things I did, but I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't for those. God uses everything from my past in the present & future. I can really relate to, empathize and help so many things/people because of similar or shared experiences.

    • kylajoyful

      Exactly. Sometimes those "stupid" things are just immaturity, but ever year we're more mature than the previous one. It's silly to regret our immaturity, as long as I'm making the best decisions I can with the information I have at the time. That sounds like something my dad would say. 🙂

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