I think highly of my family, so spending several days with my brother was a treat. Not only because he has a sense of humor I envy, but he’s a cool guy and an awesome cook. We spent most of the trip in the kitchen baking and cooking. To be honest, food has tasted quite bland since I returned home.

We spent one day visiting DC, so I could see places I missed, and hug a few important people. There’s something about that city that brings out the best in me. It’s so full of intelligent, motivated people that even riding the metro makes me feel like I have the strength to change the world.

I have an account on Eharmony. A service which I refuse to pay for and, therefore, has been completely unsuccessful. One of the questions in the profile that I enjoyed answering is a common one, “The most influential person in my life has been ____”.

Here’s the problem with the English language. The verb, “to be” means different things. I could say, the most influential person in my life has been strong, courageous, a mentor, happy, sad, or to Russia. That’s not what people want to know. I’m supposed to answer with the name of the most influential person in my life.

How literal do we want to be? I mean, my mom is pretty influential. Without her, I wouldn’t have life (thanks, mom). Then you have the “Christian” answers: God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, my pastor. Or there’s the person who showed me a certain career path, or helped me understand love. I could even include people I don’t like, who taught me the kind of person I don’t want to become.

Spending time with my brother and visiting a city that played such a crucial role in my becoming an adult, reminded me how thankful I am for the influential people in my life. I can’t narrow down the number of influential people to ten, much less one. For this, I am extremely thankful and yes, blessed.

Last week I spent time with the person who taught me to think creatively. I also hugged the person who taught me about career and calling, then the person who opened my eyes to my value and worth, then the one who taught me about work, courage, and adventure. One day, I saw the person who taught me to laugh until I cry, and the next, a person who took a risk with me and changed the course of my life. Six people who directly influenced the moment I’m living right now.

I returned from that trip feeling:

• purposeful
• whole
• happy
• powerful
• strong
• courageous
• refreshed
• assured
• confident
• motivated
• hopeful
• peaceful

The many people who weave in and out of our lives shape us and teach us. We also do the same for others. I will never know my sphere of influence – the amount of people I’ve hurt or helped. I hope that I continue to follow good people, because the lives of those I follow are reflected back onto those who are following me.

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What does it mean to be healthy and whole?

I think it means that we know we’re free to give and receive dignity.

It means that as women, we know our worth and value, and don’t wait for someone else to determine that for us. It means that when we know our worth and value, we pass that along to everyone we meet. We give dignity and respect to others.

It means that as men, you know your worth and value. You give dignity and respect to the people around you. Your actions and character remind people of their own strength.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

Women: Look for men who give you respect and dignity. Men who, on days when you forget, remind you that you are valuable.

Men: Look for women who give you respect and dignity. The type of women who, when you have a bad day, remind you of your strength.

Women: Run away from men who treat you like you are disposable. They will not fight for you. Look for a man who will fight to win your heart, and who will fight to keep it.

Men: Run away from women who are seductive and lonely. She will not want you when she remembers who she is. Look for a woman who admires you, and speaks highly of you.

Women: Remember your worth. Remember that not only are you free to give dignity, but you are free to receive it.

Men: Remember your strength. Remember that you are free to share respect, as well as accept it.

For a great reflection on the purpose of Valentine’s Day, buzz on over to my friend’s blog, The Outpatient Monk. Reading his blog is like opening Christmas gifts. I think you’ll enjoy it.

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Valentine’s Day is this week and while some think it’s just another consumerist holiday, I’d say that many of us appreciate the holiday and wake up in the morning hoping someone is thinking of them a little more than usual.

As a single, childless woman, I could approach Valentine’s Day a few different ways.

1) Act crazy. I love Valentine’s Day! It’s the best holiday Ev-ah! I give cards and candy hearts to everyone, wear pink and red, and reveal my secret crush.

2) Be apathetic. It’s just another day dedicated to consumerism. We should tell people we love them every day of the year, and send flowers on unexpected occasions. February 14th means nothing.

3) Slink around in bitterness. Woe is me; I don’t have a partner to bring me red roses or children to write me cute poems. Nobody loves me, I’ll never get married, everyone else’s life is better than mine.

4) The Kyla method. I look for the middle ground of #1 and #2, and fight #3.

I never want to be a bitter person, blaming God for the things I don’t have. Life is full of joy and gifts at every moment, waiting for us to see them. I’ve met too many women who are bitter with God for not giving them a husband, children, or the perfect “this or that”. I refuse to accept anger and bitterness, especially when I’ve been given so much.

If, on the other hand, I flip to the opposite extreme and “act crazy”, I’m usually just acting out some form of denial.

I can’t pretend I don’t want a romantic Valentine’s Day. Shoot, for the chance to smell flowers at my desk and cook a fancy dinner for a man followed by making out with a cheesy movie playing in the background, I’d absolutely give in to wearing pink and acting like a fool.

The reality of Valentine’s Day, for me, is that I sincerely appreciate the reminder that love is beautiful and fun. That includes all types of love: friendship, romantic, etc. I am happy for my friends who have given birth or are preparing to (I include children because love tends to produce them), and for the friends who are engaged and cuddling on the couch with someone this Valentine’s Day. Yet while I appreciate love and a day to celebrate it, my heart also aches at the search for the romantic version of it.

During this week of Valentine’s Day celebrations, I hope those of you celebrating will be renewed in your love for the people around you. For those of you who long for a Valentine, I hope you express that longing in healthy ways. It’s okay to admit unmet desires, but please don’t let them control your life. Life offers many gifts; I don’t want to miss them because I was focused on something else.

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Three years ago, when I was unemployed and technically homeless (my home was the homes of friends), I lived day-to-day, trusting that money and resources would be available as I needed them. I’m thankful that I only stayed in that situation for a few months, and although I lived those months entirely confident that God would care for me, I experienced a few days when I wasn’t sure what I would eat.

Sticking to a vegetarian diet became less of a priority that summer. Granted, I’ve never been a strict vegetarian. Strict anything becomes an idol for me, and takes away from relationships. If a new friend invites me to her home for dinner, not knowing I’m vegetarian, I won’t sit at the table and eat only the bread. If a family spends an entire week’s wages to feed me, they won’t hear the words, “thanks, but no thanks”.

Beggars can’t be choosers.

That phrase carries a great deal of weight. On a day when I had ten dollars in my pocket and needed that ten dollars for something other than food, I would gladly accept any meal no matter the contents.

This applies to any situation. Physical, emotional, or spiritual. When a person is left in desperate longing, even bad options seem miraculous. And in that moment, they are.

The greatest gift in life is the gift of choice.

When choices are taken away, we become slaves to our needs and desires.

Many of the people we ignore every day, or, dare I say, all of the people we cross paths with each day, are contemplating choices. Some people have so many choices that they become overwhelmed with the options. If you’ve ever stood in the cereal aisle of a supermarket in a prosperous country after living in a third world country, you understand the emotion of too many options.

Others have no options at all. If you are a starving vegetarian and someone offers you a hamburger, you’re going to eat it.

The greatest gift you can give a person is the gift of a choice. We tend to think that choices are a thing to be earned, but that thought is a trap door leading us to claiming power we should never own.

No. Choices are a gift. Not to be given recklessly, but to be given freely.

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(Please ignore the jump in the middle. Yes, I edited this.)

(Please ignore the loud sound at the end. I have no idea what that is.)

(I’ve never uploaded a video to  youtube before.)

(Enjoy)

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“How do you feel about gay marriage?”

His first mistake was sending that message to me via text. That’s not a question that can be answered in 160 characters or less! Any type of relational question takes some serious thought and more than a few sentences.

Therefore, I give you the pleasure of reading my answer. This is how I feel about gay marriage.

Much of what I’m going to say come from observations, and not personal experience. I, sadly, do not have many gay and lesbian friends (that I know of) so I can’t claim these thoughts come from real conversations with friends. Take that into account with what you read, and forgive my ignorance.

I think, that it would be really difficult to be gay or lesbian. I’ve yet to hear a story of a child who, when asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?”, their eyes light up and they shout “I want to be gay!”

I’ve yet to know of a teenager who, after being ridiculed and possibly physically abused in school, says “I want nothing more in life than to be gay”.

I’ve never heard of an adult who wants to love and be loved romantically, who says, “well I’m going to choose to be gay because that’s the easiest route to eternal happiness”.

I think that being gay is not an easy life.

Gay marriage, I imagine, includes the same issues that straight (heterosexual) marriages have. Who’s going to take out the trash? Who’s going to pay the bills? I don’t eat tomatoes. I love tomatoes. I hate when you make that noise. I love when you look at me like that. I don’t want to be treated this way. I appreciate when you do this for me.

To  marry a person, means to commit to living with that person. It means sharing life together. It means experiencing great joys while working through the muck of life. Marriage is supposed to mean “when no one else is, I am for you. I am on your team. I want to get to know you more every day”.

Marriage takes a great deal of vulnerability and courage. Those two reasons are likely the reason I’m still single. Not exactly the person to be speaking about or making decisions regarding marriage.

Everywhere I turn, I see marriages that ended. Each marriage writes its own story, but our country does not hold up a reputation of strong, long-lasting marriages. Although I won’t give up great hopes for marriage, I’m not naive enough to believe that choosing to share my life with someone is a decision to take lightly.

A gay marriage, includes all the above, plus any additional pressure regarding sexual orientation. Which, as you already know, there is a great deal of outside pressure and, dare I say, abuse.

In summary, how do I feel about gay marriage?

I am sure that being gay and being married must take courage, strength, support, and trust.

In addition, I think a heterosexual marriage must take courage, strength, support, and trust.

Upon reading the condensed version of my response, my neighbor sent another text, “Do you believe gay people should be allowed to get married?”

Ah, so that’s what you really wanted to know.

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1. I feel numb.

As I approached the next intersection, I saw a familiar face. An older, homeless woman, who normally doesn’t like to be bothered and likely fights mental illness (I say this because of interactions with her, not because she’s homeless). She stood, with her overflowing cart, in the middle of the street, distraught because her cart had tipped over. From a distance, I saw three college-aged men briefly speaking with her, before they walked away.

I hung up my phone conversation and began to help pick up her belongings. As I did, she told me that the men I saw had tipped her cart over.

I couldn’t stop thinking that I needed to hurry and buy lunch so that I didn’t miss my meeting.

We finished picking up, what looked like rubbish to me, and she was on her way to finish crossing the street. I turned and ordered a vegetarian sandwich with Provolone cheese, and all the fixings.

As I ate, I wondered, should I have invited her to lunch? I mean, I had a meeting to get to but how important was my meeting compared to taking my chance to invest in her life?

I’d seen her before. Many times, actually. In the park, down the street. I’ve always said hello and she always angrily ignores or yells at me. One time, she asked for money and cussed me out when I offered to buy her lunch instead.

I finished my bread and vegetables, and began walking towards my meeting. When I made it to the same intersection as before, I saw this woman standing on the other side of the street. Apparently, still recovering from the earlier incident.

I crossed the street, and asked if she was okay. Her response? “Those Russians are new to town and they’re always fighting for their territory.” She then offered me coffee, and snack mix.

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We went on to discuss what it looks like to live out our beliefs through action. We want to act on our calling. However, if I’m called to serve meals to the homeless, I may end up doing nothing else and become homeless myself. Where’s the balance (and did I really need a college degree for that?)?

Our culture asks a lot of questions about career versus calling. We want to know our purpose, our reason for being. We also want stability, to live in hope that our bills will be paid, food will be on the table, and we can take a vacation every once in a while.

I believe that our career and calling aren’t necessarily the same. A career is what we do. A calling is who we are.

I remember going to dinner with a church leader and talking about this very thing. As I caught him up on my life, I mentioned that I began another application for grad school. “I feel like I’m being drug into grad school, kicking and screaming”, I said, as I held back tears. With compassion, my friend responded, “is that the way God usually works in your life?”.

Those words hurled my anxiety into the Cumberland River. As we talked about what I thought I was supposed to do with my life and how I felt like I was failing, my friend continued with these words, “your career doesn’t have to be your calling. Your career can help you accomplish your calling.”

Well, that’s a different way of thinking.

With this logic, I could be “called” to rescue slaves, but I don’t have to be Aaron Cohen. I could work at a fast-food restaurant to pay my bills, and fight slavery on nights and weekends. Or, I could be the CEO of a high-profit company, and give my money to people like Cohen, as well as make sure that my company practices fair trade.

I  never went to Grad school, by the way. While I agree that it would be a good idea, every time I consider it, I can’t go through with it. Instead, I choose to practice my skills on small scales, learning as I go and giving all I can.

I’m convinced that we all play a role in the significance of the world. I’m also convinced that our “calling” isn’t keeping itself a secret from us. You already know who you are and what you were meant for. Go, and do that thing.

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Family is an important topic in the Gospel of Matthew. The book opens with a genealogy, and among the 42 fathers in Jesus’ lineage four notable mothers are also named, plus of course his mother Mary. In fact, the word mother occurs more in Matthew than in any other Gospel.

In Matthew Jesus quoted Mosaic laws about honoring parents and not cursing them. He even rebuked religious leaders for creating loopholes that released them from providing financial support to their parents.

Amongst all this focusing on the family, some other things Jesus said seem almost paradoxical. After speaking on the imminent persecution of his followers, he ended this way:

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”

Matthew 10:34-38 (ESV)

With a subsequent reference to leaving “houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands” for his name’s sake (Matthew 19:29, ESV), it’s clear that although family is important it must play second fiddle to Jesus.

Like you, I love my family. Family nurtures us, teaches us, supports us, loves us. Today’s younger generation enjoys especially close family ties. College students call home more than ever before, and many young adults are forced by the lousy job market to move home. Tens of thousands across theU.S.are blessed by loving parents who are helping them get by in rough times.

Yet, there is a sense in which even the best of family relationships can interfere with our spiritual relationships. We are unlikely to face the life-endangering betrayal predicted in Matthew 10, but in growing up we must face the fact that sticking too close to family can get in the way of sticking close enough to Jesus.

For example, parents may impose on adult children their own materialistic dreams for financial success. Or maybe they can’t quite let go of control. Sibling dynamics can stay mired in adolescent mode well into adulthood. Sons and daughters can consume parents with their daily drama. Families may have issues with manipulative control, financial dependence, physical illness, or emotional dysfunction. Family religious beliefs may differ markedly from our own.

Sometimes we can’t truly take up the cross until we leave family, at least in certain aspects. I had to do that myself several years ago. It was a painful decision to make, but I left my parents’ conservative, legalistic denomination in favor of a freer, grace-embracing group of believers. I will never regret following Jesus down this path. I wish, though, that my parents could have accepted my choice without feeling so devastated. I am glad they still love me, but our formerly close relationship has been irrevocably altered.

Family really is precious. We love our family members, respect and honor them, enjoy them, desire their favor, and want what’s best for them.  Without them, it can feel like our hearts are left with a gaping hole.

So maybe when we must choose between him and them, Jesus made things a bit easier by redefining family: “Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:50).  Remembering that Jesus is family too, we have the courage to take up the cross and follow. 

Cross references:

1. Matthew 12:50 : [John 15:14; Heb. 2:11]
2. Matthew 12:50 : Matt 7:21; [Luke 11:28]

Lynn Bell is the author of a new women’s Bible study called “The Gentle Savior,” which focuses on seeing Jesus through the eyes of the women who met him. She works full-time as the director of development communications in the Education School at the University of Virginia. She and her husband Randy live in Charlottesville and have two lovely college-age daughters. She blogs at http://thegentlesavior.com

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Mr. D taught Social Sciences – mainly History, Humanities & Comparative Religions. I learned a lot from Mr. D., once I stopped being intimidated, including how to honor commitments and conquer a lengthy research paper.

“The only thing we’ve learned from history, is that we don’t learn from history”, he said, in a passing comment. I think teachers already know that their comments are never only in passing. I immediately decided that I didn’t want those words to ring true for me. That quote truly impacts my life.

I see how, in thousands of years of existence, humanity continues the same patterns with different colors. I consistently ask, “what can I do to break this cycle, so that I’m not repeating the same issues for another ten years?”

War and Violence have played a role in humanity almost since our inception. Once violence starts, it gathers speed and ground like a black snowball rolling down Mount Kilimanjaro. The only way to stop it from careening off of a cliff is to break it up or create a barrier. Unfortunately, “the only thing we’ve learned from history is that we don’t learn from history”. We throw focused snowballs to break up the giant one only to have the pieces begin rolling on a new course.

Violence begets violence.

If we want to break the cycle of violence, we have to be the ones to break it. And we must do so in a way that doesn’t lead to more violence.

In this week following the celebration of the life of Martin Luther King, Jr., I think we can honor his life by thinking about the violence we witness in our lives and how we can creatively dissolve a rolling snowball. He gave voice to breaking cycles of violence, and we celebrate his courage.

How can we learn from our history?

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