Growing Up, Giving More, and Going Forward

Posted on January 11, 2012 by kylajoyful 8 Comments

Last year, I added the tagline, “Growing up, Giving more, and Going forward” to the blog. You’ll see that phrase scattered throughout the site if you look closely enough. At the top of the page, the words, “Grow, Give, Go” categorize most my posts.

When I tell people I’m a blogger, they inevitably ask what I blog about. My elevator speech needs some work, but I thought I’d take this regularly scheduled Wednesday post to expand the tagline a little more.

I strongly believe in the importance of social justice, but that we can’t give to others if we aren’t first whole ourselves.

Social justice, bringing justice to the social parts of life (meeting basic human needs with dignity), I believe is a crucial element to living an abundant life. Going one step further, I am convinced that if Jesus is who he says he is, than my life is intertwined with everything that breathes. I want my life to reflect that belief.

Circling back, if I make decisions that reflect my beliefs, I need to know how to do that. Knowing how becomes useless if I’m emotionally unhealthy. In other words, knowledge becomes useless without action.

I also hope that through sharing parts of my story, others will find healing in parts of theirs.

Then together we essentially grow up, so that we can give more to others, go forward with our story and in turn, move forward the story of the world.

So that’s what we have going on here at Kylajoyful.com. This year, I hope to write within those three topics, and dig deep into what we mean when we say “I want to live a full, rich, (abundant) life.” 

Photo Credit: Amy Lynne Photography (used by permission)

If you’d like to contribute at any time, I accept submissions for Guest Posts. Also, while I’m great at speaking with authority, I’m not always right (I just act like I am). I often leave things out. Sometimes on purpose, others because I write at 10pm and can never stick to my “no communication after 10pm” rule.

I give you complete authority to help out with all the above by contributing in the comments.

If you’ve never commented in a blog before, it’s needlessly intimidating, and a lot of fun. Commenting on a blog is equivalent to a Facebook “like” or comment, or speaking up in class. All comments are posted without moderation, unless you get caught in my spam filter which I sadly can’t figure out how to access. Also, if you’re rude and disrespectful, I promise to engage my right to delete your comment.

Here we go…Growing Up, Giving More, and Going Forward.

Give, Go, Grow

How To Handle Criticism

Posted on January 6, 2012 by kylajoyful 3 Comments

When Holly and I drove to North Carolina last summer, we talked for a solid eight hours. We didn’t know each other before meeting at 4am that morning, so we found plenty to talk about. Then we spent four days at the Wild Goose Festival, and talked for another solid eight hours home. We built enough material in that one road trip to fuel this blog for years (including the fact that we both love to include extraneous details in story telling that are vitally important to no one but us.).

At one point, we talked about our approaches to conflicts. Specifically, how we respond to criticism.

In the past, I tended to take criticism extremely personally. Criticism felt like an attack on my character, my very being. Since I already lived with thoughts such as, “you’re not good enough”, and “it’s all my fault”, when someone affirmed those thoughts out loud, I felt like the scum of the earth (perhaps an exaggeration, but only slight).

As I’ve matured, I’ve learned how to sift healthy versus unhealthy criticisms. For example, criticism from my best friend, I usually listen to. Criticism from someone I’ve never met, well, they’re probably just having a bad day.

Holly passed down a helpful tool, that I now pass on to you.

When faced with criticism, I shift my thinking into “neutral”.

I take the emotion out of the situation, and look at it from as neutral a perspective as I can.

I consider:

  • the specific situation
  • the character of the personal approaching me
  • the level of relationship I have with that person
  • where the truth is
  • Is this something I should listen to, respectfully ignore, or boldly disagree with?

Often, a negative critique has more to do with what’s happening in the life of the other person, than it does with me.

Or maybe there’s a communication mix-up, and the relationship can be strengthened if we both pause, step back, and thoroughly explain our perspectives.

That one piece of advice changed my level of confidence. Sorting through the lies I hear every day can feel like weaving through Los Angeles rush hour traffic. Shifting my thoughts into neutral thins out the traffic, so to speak. I arrive at my destination on time, and in one piece.

Although, I don’t think that trick works in actual L.A. traffic.

Boundaries, Grow

2011 in Blogging

Posted on January 4, 2012 by kylajoyful Leave a comment

Hey again! Welcome to the first Wednesday post of 2012. For fun, here’s a few statistics from the last year on this blog. Since I redesigned in May, and switched platforms, some of the stats don’t begin until then. Enjoy! I’ll be back with something deep and reflective next week. :)

Top Viewed Posts:

Most Circulated Post: 

Top strangest search terms:

  • +how do you classify indian on your database
  • fourtune tellers for parties ky
  • rowing physiology
  • richard bath facebook
  • hes not listened to my ultimatum
  • things to do for a week offline

Top Commenters – Thank you!!

Guest Posts:

Guest Posters:
Again, thank you to all of you for being part of Kylajoyful.com. Here’s to another great year!
Other

Last Wednesday post of the year, a 2011 personal recap

Posted on December 28, 2011 by kylajoyful 3 Comments

It’s the end of the year, and everyone’s talking about the events of the past year and hopes for the next. I’m jumping on that bandwagon, because I’ve enjoyed reading updates from everyone else.

Last year started off terribly. I remember an email I sent to my running partner early in year, “I’m depressed, I need to run, but I can’t motivate myself. Please help.” Help, she did. She picked me up that week for a run, paid for me to join a running group, and offered hours of conversation and words of encouragement.

When March came around, and I walked away from starting a nonprofit, I felt both lost and free. I made the right decision, yet that, combined with a few other losses (dating takes work!), my spirit needed some serious healing.

My New Year’s Resolution of 2011, “To tell the truth”, brought me a new motto, “Where there is truth, the darkness loses its power”. This phrase changes everything about my life, from the decisions I make and the conversations I participate in, to the depth of my relationships and my ability to be courageous in difficult situations.

Christmas 2011 with close friends

My Lenten fast taught me to give myself dignity and respect, which in turn allows me to offer those gifts to everyone I meet. A game changer, I believe. My trip to Maine reminded me that friendships can deepen even over distances, and beauty should be discovered and acknowledged.

The Wild Goose Festival was the highlight of my year. Those four days took me to the top of whatever mountain I had been climbing these last few years. I will never forget listening to Over the Rhine play at dusk and feeling the assurance that my past was gone, the future laid ahead, and I was sitting in the present looking at the most spectacular view. That weekend propelled me into rich friendships, colorful theological conversations, and the kind of peace that makes all fear disappear.

One week following Wild Goose Fest, I was in Pittsburgh hanging out with a bunch of Mennonites, and then traveling with a friend to stand next to my sister in her wedding. By the way, I highly recommend taking dates to weddings. I mustered up every ounce of courage I could find to ask Matt to go with me, and cannot emphasize strongly enough how glad I am that I asked. His gift of friendship has left me abundantly blessed.

The remainder of the year, I traveled a little, was a published author for the first time (I know!), and continued the practice of strength-training my courageous muscles. I began meeting with a Spiritual Director, warily joined a new church, renewed my vows as a Nebraska football fan, hung a fake window in my office, never skipped a Wednesday blog post, trained for a ½ marathon, and learned the art of a run-on sentence.

Taking the idea of an old friend, I dubbed 2011 “the year of the date”, and date I did. Within the first week of the year, I joined OkCupid, and allowed myself to go out on a slew of dates. After a little practice, I quit OkCupid but kept going on dates. I discovered that not only do many quality single men exist, but that I can trust my intuition, and reminded myself that I’m worth some effort. When a man told me I was the kind of woman he wanted to take out and show off to all of his friends, I decided that was the best dating advice I’d ever heard.

I can’t write a blogging year wrap-up without talking about blogging! I redesigned the blog in the Spring, which encouraged me to make a concentrated effort to write. I’ve discovered that I really enjoy writing! The hobby is one I want to practice and improve on, so I plan to keep this blog going strong. Maybe I’ll write an article or two or more. That could be fun.

To summarize, enjoy a list of the year’s top moments:

Top 11 moments of 2011 (in no particular order)

  1. Walking away from UJAM
  2. Mountain moment at Wild Goose Fest
  3. My sister’s wedding
  4. Meeting, traveling with, and talking non-stop to Holly on the way to Wild Goose Fest
  5. Road trip with Evan, one of the few men I know who can carry a conversation for 5 hours straight.
  6. A canceled ½ marathon race trip led to a spontaneous and perfect road trip weekend, complete with an incline railway, a missing cell phone, and an entire day of football games with my friend, Jon.
  7. Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in nearly a decade (I usually spend Christmas, but flopped the visits this year)
  8. Working with the Pittsburgh project
  9. People Loving Nashville Christmas Ball and publicly telling my friends how awesome they are. I try not to be redundant but when it comes to these folks, I can’t help it. I am overflowing with thankfulness for the people in my life. Amanda, Bethany, Brianna, Evan, Hannah, Shelly, Rich, Doug, Sarah, Ryan, Brian, Michael, Gina, Ashley, Laura, Matt, Matthew, Holly, Sally, Jennifer, Molly, Stacy, and Lauren. Much love to you.
  10. Vacation in Maine and reconnecting with Ashley
  11. Seeing my name in print for the first time

Happy New Year, my friends! You should know that you’re included in the list of people I’m thankful for. It’s true. I can’t lie, it’s still 2011.

Other

Greed Satisfied

Posted on December 23, 2011 by kylajoyful 2 Comments

I’ve been thinking more about Greed, after my last post. I read the story of Jesus feeding the 5000 in the book of John, and I wondered why so many people came to hear a famous speaker, and didn’t plan ahead for food.

Probably because they were poor. The poor people usually liked to hear what Jesus had to say – it was the rich who thought he was full of it. So thousands of poor people figured “hey, I’ve got nothing to do today, and that famous guy is in town, I think I’ll go check it out”. They showed up empty-handed, and from the sound of it, spent an entire day (or longer) there.

I’ve been to a few festivals, and I know if I spend an entire day outside I’m going to be hungry and thirsty. When I get hungry, I quickly become angry and weak. In this story, Jesus spends a day surrounded by 5000 (that’s a lot) people wandering around, talking and listening. They’re hungry and have no money for food.

I picture that when the people in the back received word that food was being passed around, they were pretty excited. Free food, at that. A friend of mine went to a work Christmas party this year which included an open bar. People drank all night long, and picked the most expensive drinks, because the tab wasn’t on them. They became greedy for more, simply because it was available. In John’s story, I imagine this meal took a long time to serve. As more food kept passing by, people probably ate quite a bit. I know I would! I imagine these greedy hands grasping at as much food as they could, not knowing when they would eat again.

They stopped only when satisfied. And Jesus saw fit to have leftovers! Nothing speaks “security” to me like knowing there will be enough for later. I know that sometimes God gives us just enough and we’re to not ask for more than what we need today, but when God also provides enough for later, I feel satisfied and not afraid.

So if the trick to a life without greed is to know I am satisfied, what’s the trick to being satisfied?

I think that last sentence was my biggest question in 2011. It’s been a challenging year, but a fun one full of questions and answers. I’m learning to be satisfied where I’m at in life, and not constantly chasing after more. I love asking big questions and working them out over and over, and I’m excited to keep doing so. Thanks for giving me the space to do that here in this blog!

Grow

Greedy in December

Posted on December 21, 2011 by kylajoyful Leave a comment

Greed doesn’t always signify money. Greed means a chasing after something, wanting of more.

The problem with greed is that it always leaves us wanting and never satisfies.

Greed comes in all shapes and sizes. North Americans think a lot about greed in December because we like to give and receive a plethora of gifts.

I started thinking about greed last night after my umpteenth Christmas party (ok, fourth), when I drove home and realized – I want it all.

Reach Out

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

I want everyone to like me. And I mean everyone. I can be in a room full of 50 people, each one of them could be a friend of mine, but the minute one more person walks into a room, I need their attention as well.

I want control of situations. I like to be in charge and the center of attention. If I’m not, I’ll go somewhere looking for the chance to be in control.

I only blog once a week because I have so many ideas floating through my mind that I have a difficult time narrowing them down to one topic to write.

I can’t pick favorites, because I want to experience everything. When I do pick something, I don’t let it go easily because I’ve worked so hard to get it.

I could spend my entire life chasing more. More people, more money, more ideas.

Ironic though, is that when I spend my time trying to grasp everything, I accomplish little to nothing.

When I fervently try to gain the attention of multitudes, I spread my roots thinly and never dig deep in relationships. I’m always left wanting.

When I have so many ideas to write that I can’t pick one, I end up with a blank page and ultimately accomplish even less than if I had picked just one of those ideas.

If I chase after a bigger and better job, more money, more education –  I’ll keep chasing and wanting more. No amount of money or information will be enough, resulting in needing more to fuel what I already have.

That sounds like a sad life.

Greed leaves a trail of sadness and emptiness behind us. Wanting more means we never have enough, and are never satisfied.

Discussion: Do you agree or disagree? Does greed come in all shapes and sizes? Is there a solution to greed?

Grow

Christmas Parties, Funky Music, and.

Posted on December 20, 2011 by kylajoyful Leave a comment

Last week was a crazy week for me. It’s a busy time of year for everyone, I know. Is anyone else over-filling their schedule with Christmas parties?

People Loving Nashville hosted a Fundraiser Ball on Tuesday. We danced to Jason Eskridge & Friends playing funk and soul music late into the night. We ate homemade appetizers and truffles, and maxed out the photo booth. Minus that one moment when I fell off the stage and was sore for three days following (I needed a good story), the party was a success.

I decided earlier this year that I wanted to experience art at least once a week. I haven’t really kept with that goal, but I’ve experienced more art in the last year because of it. So when my friend, Andrew, invited me to see his band perform, I continued the funk and soul theme on Wednesday to hear ReLapse play.

ReLapse at Mercy Lounge, Photo used by permission

With a full 8 piece band, ReLapse throws a party on stage. This was my second time to see them perform. ReLapse “killed it” last week. In between wondering if I should start a dance party and wondering why I forgot to bring a friend, I transported to a world where my thoughts collide with movement. Blame the funk. That and Andrew, who leads his band with contagious energy, solid musical arrangements, and strong vocals.

Side rant: How is it, that a great band can throw a party, and an entire room of people will bob their heads, loving the music, but don’t dance? The psychologist in me needs an answer! I stood in the back of the room baffled, yet contributing to create a giant bobble head to the tune of funky music.

Here’s the thing about art. Humans need art in our lives. We need art because it changes us. Art forces us to let our minds wonder, to stop and think about who we are and what we want. Art, no matter the form, plays with our senses and emotions.

I’m glad that even in a busy schedule (I also went to parties on Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday), I took the time to support a friend and bob my head to contagious music. I’m hoping that next time I see them perform, I’ll muster up some courage and start a dance party.

(Full disclosure: I was given free entry to the concert in exchange for writing this blog post. Blogging rules force me to tell you this. Although we all know that I would have gone anyway, because I can’t turn down friends and their art.)

Community, Grow, Other

I’m Not Who I Was

Posted on December 14, 2011 by kylajoyful 3 Comments

I caught up with an old friend this week. At one of those dozens of parties that happen in December that no matter how hard I try, I can’t say no to. Over the loud music and dancing, my friend and I leaned against kitchen counters and stumbled over conversation to catch up on each others’ lives.

My friend accurately noticed that my current life looks very different from how it looked several years ago. He easily reflected back to my life from four years ago when we first met, and noticed great growth and change. I’m glad for this. I’m encouraged to hear that I’ve grown and changed in positive ways over the years. I think it would be a really sad day if, five years from now, I ran into a friend from today who says, “yep, same old Kyla, nothing’s changed!”

At the same time, I do not live in shame for the person I was four years ago. Or last year. Or yesterday. During our conversation, I stopped my friend to point out, “yes, I’m healthier now and I’ve learned a lot, but I don’t regret who I was then. I like who I was then, too.”

He paused to consider this, and I watched thoughts spin through his eyes, but he offered no words. I still don’t know what he thought, but I do know that I am not going to live to regret my past. One minute from today, one day, one  year, ten years, my life could look drastically different from the way it does now. But I’m not going to regret or feel shame for ridiculous and immature things I did or said, because those are in the past. And I know that every moment, I’m living my life with as much grace and wisdom and joy that I can.

I’m running on less sleep with a packed December schedule, so if this makes no sense, maybe you can help me work it out in the comments. Thoughts?

 

Grow

Our Addictions and what they steal

Posted on December 7, 2011 by kylajoyful Leave a comment

I think it’s highly likely that every person fights at least one type of addiction.

Some addictions really destroy our lives.

Pornography.

Alcohol.

Cocaine.

Some addictions keep themselves hidden.

Pride.

Greed.

Attention.

All addictions serve to trick us into believing that our life would be destroyed if we let them go.

Group Hug

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

Addictions serve to separate us from what we need most: Relationships.

Time after time, we choose our addictions over relationships.

My grandfather chose his alcohol over his family. I choose Facebook over phone calls. I used to choose depression over letting people participate in my life.

What do you choose?

Grow

People Loving Nashville

Posted on December 2, 2011 by kylajoyful 2 Comments

For two and a half years, I’ve left work thirty minutes early every Monday. By 4:45, I’m in a church kitchen, helping the three or four people who arrived hours earlier. I know exactly where the cutting boards are, as I’ve washed and placed them in their holding spot dozens of times. I drop the white plastic board on the prep table in the middle of the room, and gently nudge someone aside to reach a knife stored under the table. I begin cutting and chopping, playing my role to create a meal.

The meal selections are a surprise each week – food is picked up that morning, and we never know what will overflow from the donated boxes. We’re accustomed to a few staples, bags of lettuce, boxes of fruit, and enough bread to feed 200 people and their neighbors. I’ve become a pro apple-chopper and we’ve exhausted apple recipes that can be made in less than one hour.

Volunteers trickle in, one at a time at first, then in multiples until the kitchen crawls with people cooking, cleaning, and boxing up dinners assembly line style. I jump from job to job, jumping in where needed and often delegating tasks to newcomers.

“If you don’t have a job, move to the next room!” someone inevitably shouts, as conversations begin to impede the last few tasks. I can scarcely recall that only two years ago, ¼ of this many volunteers bustled in the kitchen, trying our best to deliver a healthy and tasty meal to 200 people. Earlier still, we crowded into Ryan’s one-bedroom apartment and bent health codes to package the same amount of meals. Creativity flows when trying to wash giant pots and pans in a sink no larger than my laptop screen.

Smiling at the completion of another delicious meal, we make our way into the adjacent room to pray. We’ve become a community. I look around the room and realize I know these people and they know me. We see each other every week not because we have to, but because we want to. Some unknown (or maybe known?) force brings us together each week, one we can’t seem to escape. I want to be there, I need to be there.

Meeting adjourned, and we file out the door to our vehicles, carpooling and caravaning downtown. Friends are gathered, waiting for us to arrive, and I’m humbled to realize that these people waiting for food are exactly that – our friends. The majority homeless, they offer their stories and poems, laughter and tears, emotions and possessions.

The pronoun “they” changes to “us” as I tell Carl about my most recent date and he reminds me that I deserve to be treated well. As Chris tells me about the book he’s reading and offers encouragement when I complain about the rain. As Teresa walks by and I offer a vain attempt to smile and make her feel safe when all she wants is a giant salad and peace that I cannot provide.

“We do not make assumptions about the people we meet.  We cannot know what life is like in another person’s shoes.  We do not pretend to have answers for every problem.  We do not bring judgement, control, disrespect, arrogance, or violence.

But…

We are all hungry, so we bring food.
We are all shamed in our nakedness, so we bring clothes.
We are all broken, so we bring ears to listen and hear.
We are all scared, so we bring comfort.
We are all guilty, so we bring acceptance and honesty.
We are all living in chaos, so we bring peace.
We are all lonely, so we bring friendship and community.
We are all hurt, so we bring love.”*

Thank you to everyone who has contributed over the last years, through time, money, and prayers. Hundreds continue to receive food and friendship every week, we keep on as long as God allows. Building relationships with one another is one of God’s great gifts to humanity, I pray we will accept it humbly and with deep gratitude.

Please consider joining us. If you live in Nashville or are traveling through to hear your favorite band, consider offering your time. If you can give financially, we are honored to accept! While some of our food is donated, it still costs $200 – $400 a week for food and supplies (trash bags aren’t free!). We need clothing donations as well – especially men’s clothing, underwear and socks. Shoes, coats, sleeping bags, blankets, and toiletries are always welcome. You can donate through our website, contacting us personally, or by attending one of our fundraisers (see included photo).

Thanks for reading, and for joining us in the practice of loving our neighbors.

People Loving Nashville is a 501c3 based in Nashville, TN. Our mission is to bring hope to the needy through meeting physical needs and building relationships based on the love of Jesus Christ.

*Thank you to Julia Carruthers-Thorne for this beautiful poem.

Give, Go