I’ve been thinking more about Greed, after my last post. I read the story of Jesus feeding the 5000 in the book of John, and I wondered why so many people came to hear a famous speaker, and didn’t plan ahead for food.

Probably because they were poor. The poor people usually liked to hear what Jesus had to say – it was the rich who thought he was full of it. So thousands of poor people figured “hey, I’ve got nothing to do today, and that famous guy is in town, I think I’ll go check it out”. They showed up empty-handed, and from the sound of it, spent an entire day (or longer) there.

I’ve been to a few festivals, and I know if I spend an entire day outside I’m going to be hungry and thirsty. When I get hungry, I quickly become angry and weak. In this story, Jesus spends a day surrounded by 5000 (that’s a lot) people wandering around, talking and listening. They’re hungry and have no money for food.

I picture that when the people in the back received word that food was being passed around, they were pretty excited. Free food, at that. A friend of mine went to a work Christmas party this year which included an open bar. People drank all night long, and picked the most expensive drinks, because the tab wasn’t on them. They became greedy for more, simply because it was available. In John’s story, I imagine this meal took a long time to serve. As more food kept passing by, people probably ate quite a bit. I know I would! I imagine these greedy hands grasping at as much food as they could, not knowing when they would eat again.

They stopped only when satisfied. And Jesus saw fit to have leftovers! Nothing speaks “security” to me like knowing there will be enough for later. I know that sometimes God gives us just enough and we’re to not ask for more than what we need today, but when God also provides enough for later, I feel satisfied and not afraid.

So if the trick to a life without greed is to know I am satisfied, what’s the trick to being satisfied?

I think that last sentence was my biggest question in 2011. It’s been a challenging year, but a fun one full of questions and answers. I’m learning to be satisfied where I’m at in life, and not constantly chasing after more. I love asking big questions and working them out over and over, and I’m excited to keep doing so. Thanks for giving me the space to do that here in this blog!

Greed doesn’t always signify money. Greed means a chasing after something, wanting of more.

The problem with greed is that it always leaves us wanting and never satisfies.

Greed comes in all shapes and sizes. North Americans think a lot about greed in December because we like to give and receive a plethora of gifts.

I started thinking about greed last night after my umpteenth Christmas party (ok, fourth), when I drove home and realized – I want it all.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

I want everyone to like me. And I mean everyone. I can be in a room full of 50 people, each one of them could be a friend of mine, but the minute one more person walks into a room, I need their attention as well.

I want control of situations. I like to be in charge and the center of attention. If I’m not, I’ll go somewhere looking for the chance to be in control.

I only blog once a week because I have so many ideas floating through my mind that I have a difficult time narrowing them down to one topic to write.

I can’t pick favorites, because I want to experience everything. When I do pick something, I don’t let it go easily because I’ve worked so hard to get it.

I could spend my entire life chasing more. More people, more money, more ideas.

Ironic though, is that when I spend my time trying to grasp everything, I accomplish little to nothing.

When I fervently try to gain the attention of multitudes, I spread my roots thinly and never dig deep in relationships. I’m always left wanting.

When I have so many ideas to write that I can’t pick one, I end up with a blank page and ultimately accomplish even less than if I had picked just one of those ideas.

If I chase after a bigger and better job, more money, more education –  I’ll keep chasing and wanting more. No amount of money or information will be enough, resulting in needing more to fuel what I already have.

That sounds like a sad life.

Greed leaves a trail of sadness and emptiness behind us. Wanting more means we never have enough, and are never satisfied.

Discussion: Do you agree or disagree? Does greed come in all shapes and sizes? Is there a solution to greed?

I caught up with an old friend this week. At one of those dozens of parties that happen in December that no matter how hard I try, I can’t say no to. Over the loud music and dancing, my friend and I leaned against kitchen counters and stumbled over conversation to catch up on each others’ lives.

My friend accurately noticed that my current life looks very different from how it looked several years ago. He easily reflected back to my life from four years ago when we first met, and noticed great growth and change. I’m glad for this. I’m encouraged to hear that I’ve grown and changed in positive ways over the years. I think it would be a really sad day if, five years from now, I ran into a friend from today who says, “yep, same old Kyla, nothing’s changed!”

At the same time, I do not live in shame for the person I was four years ago. Or last year. Or yesterday. During our conversation, I stopped my friend to point out, “yes, I’m healthier now and I’ve learned a lot, but I don’t regret who I was then. I like who I was then, too.”

He paused to consider this, and I watched thoughts spin through his eyes, but he offered no words. I still don’t know what he thought, but I do know that I am not going to live to regret my past. One minute from today, one day, one  year, ten years, my life could look drastically different from the way it does now. But I’m not going to regret or feel shame for ridiculous and immature things I did or said, because those are in the past. And I know that every moment, I’m living my life with as much grace and wisdom and joy that I can.

I’m running on less sleep with a packed December schedule, so if this makes no sense, maybe you can help me work it out in the comments. Thoughts?

I think it’s highly likely that every person fights at least one type of addiction.

Some addictions really destroy our lives.

Pornography.

Alcohol.

Cocaine.

Some addictions keep themselves hidden.

Pride.

Greed.

Attention.

All addictions serve to trick us into believing that our life would be destroyed if we let them go.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

Addictions serve to separate us from what we need most: Relationships.

Time after time, we choose our addictions over relationships.

My grandfather chose his alcohol over his family. I choose Facebook over phone calls. I used to choose depression over letting people participate in my life.

What do you choose?

A pastor once asked, upon seeing my eyes ask deep, difficult questions week after week, if I “was questioning my faith”.

He asked in a tone that suggested, to my insecure, young-adult self, that questioning one’s faith was a dark, sad thing. I immediately responded, “no”, not only to avoid a conversation I didn’t want to engage in, but because I somehow knew it was the only acceptable answer.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons

“Real Christians”, didn’t question God or faith. Real Christians made wise decisions, walked straight paths in life, praised God for good and bad things, and knew that they were “sinners, saved by grace”. No questioning needed to happen, because truths were laid out right in front of us, in church every Sunday and (supposed) daily Bible reading. God was black-and-white, not in skin color, but in rule books or moral codes. God was to be trusted at all times, with no exceptions.

Real Christians also didn’t lie, and tell their pastors “no”, when they really meant, “absolutely I’m questioning my faith, along with everything else I believe. Aren’t you?”

With my mind full of questions, I didn’t own the courage that day to tell the pastor a thought or two. This post isn’t a confession, but an acknowledgment of questions bigger than myself.

I’m continuously wrapped in questions about the goodness and faithfulness of God. Whether or not God is trustworthy, and whether I believe the people who assure me that s/he is. Questions asking why I can afford to live with a car, plenty of food, a home of my own, and running water when so many people – of God’s creation – live without any of the above. Or seeking the difference between spirituality and morality. Why do we so often confuse the two?

After dozens of questions, I inevitably arrive at my favorite: Why can two people, who both say (and believe) they are following God with all of their heart/soul/mind, come to entirely different conclusions? Who is right? Is there a “right”? If someone answers “yes” to the latter, I tend to believe they’re either arrogant or ignorant. Arrogant to think that they’ve been the person to discover ultimate truth, or ignorant of a multitude of ideas and perspectives from around the world – something I would never fault someone for but only encourage more education.

A philosopher by nature, my thoughts continuously swirl with question after question, knowing fully well that at some point, I just have to pick a side and go with it. Then, I start the question circle all over again with new twists, turns, and colors. I think this is my life’s journey. Always asking, always searching, refusing satisfaction with easy answers.

I know that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and every blog post  you read in the next couple of days will say “here’s what I’m thankful for”. I usually attempt to avoid those posts, because frankly, I think they’re a bit cliché. Forgive me for being that person who ruins the holiday spirit, but shouldn’t we be thankful all year-long, instead of one day?

Photo by Nathan Lampa, used by permission

Last year I spent my first year living without roommates. At Christmas I immediately thought, I better buy a tree so my roommates aren’t upset. And then I realized that, for the first time, I didn’t have any roommates. I didn’t put up a tree.

Call me Ms. Grinch.

It’s not that I don’t like the holidays, I really do. I just don’t like the cold that comes with winter, and I don’t like greedy, consumerist culture.

I think that my dislike for those two things carries over, and I do a poor job of balancing my dislike for greed and shivering, with my love for the building of relationships and celebrating that holidays bring.

You see, I LOVE spending time with people. This is the one area where I really stink at setting boundaries. If someone asks to spend time with me, I’m there, even if I had planned on cleaning my kitchen or actually cooking dinner. I also love celebrating. Probably because celebrations involve lots of people, along with delicious food (food is my love language), and not thinking about anything else other than enjoying the party.

I like Christmas caroling and baking and playing card games. I like watching too many movies (but please don’t make me watch A Christmas Story, again) and walking around a decorated town square.

So while I’m not going to write that annual “I’m thankful for” list, spend my weekend picking out the perfect tree to cut down and place in my living room, and dear Lord, I will absolutely not even be caught driving by a department store on Friday, I am certainly thankful and I will absolutely be celebrating.  I’ll just celebrate in my own little way.

Who’s with me?

It’s 4:45 and I’m just now pausing to write this post.

I planned on writing it last night. At 11pm, I realized I completely forgot about writing. Since I didn’t have any ideas in mind, I just let it go. Today, I wasted hours of free time. Enough time to write chapters of a novel.

I posted on my facebook wall, “here’s to not having it all together”.

Photo Credit: Flickr creative commons

I remember a blog post by a well-known pastor, about a fight he had with his wife. He boldly told the story of the fight (without specific details), and that as much as he loved his wife, marriage could be really challenging at times. What stood out to me from reading that post was his willingness to say, in public, that he wasn’t perfect. He didn’t use those words, but he admitted how easy it is to only show others what we want them to see.

I think this is true of humanity. We’re so afraid of what people will think of us, that we hide the ugly parts of ourselves.

We hide our insecurities. We hide our sexual brokenness (scandal, anyone?), our anger issues, and our apathy. We refuse to admit our laziness and our addictions. We hide our opinions out of fear, and conform to standards because we don’t want stand alone.

We do this out of a desperate need to be liked, loved, and known.

Somehow, this actually has the opposite affect (effect?) on society. Hiding our insecurities fuels isolation.

In other words, we isolate ourselves because we think it will bring people closer to us, but we instead become further isolated.

This is why PostSecret is so successful. People want their darkness to be known.

What if.…we practiced boldly admitting when we make mistakes? What if…we practiced telling others when we don’t “have it all together”? How would that change you? How would that change your relationships?

How would hearing YOUR story, help me?

Experiment:

Leave an anonymous comment, about the last time you felt like you didn’t have it all together.

You’re more than welcome to share your name, but I think it would be fun to read “Anonymous” by each comment. If you don’t want to use your email address (I’ll be the only one who can see it), just use mine. Kylajoyful -at- gmail.